Sunday, February 12, 2012
Trying to Fly
Like most women (and some men) I know, I think too much. Oh, I am much better than I used to be. I used to over-analyze every single conversation, action, and sideways glance. Age has given me the wisdom to accept that things are what they are, in most cases. Once in awhile though, I hit a patch where I revert to over thinking. These times weigh my down like I've tied cement blocks to my ankles and am walking through mud.
I seem to be in one of those periods in my life right now. I am spending too much time thinking. I am thinking about my appearance, I am too fat, wrinkly and I found a grey eyebrow hair. I'm thinking about my health, is diabetes around the corner, can I lose weight and get my cholesterol down? I think about my marriage. Am I the best wife I can be? I think about my friends and do I measure up to their expectations. Am I being a good friend, doing all I can for those I love. I'm thinking about my job, will it last as long as I need it to? If it doesn't what will we do? Am I doing a good enough job? Am I letting anyone down? I think about how I treat people. Am I fair? Am I too honest sometimes? I think about the politics, our country, the state of the world. I think about child labor in third world countries, starving people in Africa, women being mistreated in the Middle East. I think about animal abuse, all the dogs and cats that need rescuing. I think about the homeless, the sick, the poor. I think about being middle aged. I think about death. I get on the carousel and I can't get off. The weight of it all pushes me down and makes me feel helpless.
My first husband was an alcoholic and I spent a lot of time in counseling at rehab centers. AA has lots of slogans that those of us who aren't 12 steppers make fun of sometimes, but the truth is, they are wise. Let Go and Let God, One Day at a Time, Stop the Stinkin' Thinkin'. The Serenity Prayer is so simple, yet so powerfully true "Give me the strength to change the things I can, accept the things I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference". Why is it so hard to let go of things. Is it a lack of faith? Is it just a controlling nature (Lord knows I like to be in control)?
So, my goal for today is to try and live in the moment. Really be aware what I am doing and where my head is. I am going to try to push away the negative and overwhelming thoughts that creep in and try to concentrate on the positives of the moment. Like now for instance. There is a blazing fire in the fireplace warming my feet, a delicious cup of coffee to enjoy, bright sunlight streaming though the window and a bird chirping in the distance. It is a good moment and I am thankful for it.