Sunday, February 12, 2012

Trying to Fly

Like most women (and some men) I know, I think too much. Oh, I am much better than I used to be.  I used to over-analyze every single conversation, action, and sideways glance.  Age has given me the wisdom to accept that things are what they are, in most cases.  Once in awhile though, I hit a patch where I revert to over thinking.  These times weigh my down like I've tied cement blocks to my ankles and am walking through mud. 

I seem to be in one of those periods in my life right now.  I am spending too much time thinking.  I am thinking about my appearance, I am too fat, wrinkly and I found a grey eyebrow hair.  I'm thinking about my health, is diabetes around the corner, can I lose weight and get my cholesterol down?  I think about my marriage.  Am I the best wife I can be?  I think about my friends and do I measure up to their expectations. Am I being a good friend, doing all I can for those I love.   I'm thinking about my job, will it last as long as I need it to?  If it doesn't what will we do?    Am I doing a good enough job? Am I letting anyone down?  I think about how I treat people.  Am I fair?  Am I too honest sometimes?  I think about the politics, our country, the state of the world.  I think about child labor in third world countries, starving people in Africa, women being mistreated in the Middle East.  I think about animal abuse, all the dogs and cats that need rescuing.  I think about the homeless, the sick, the poor. I think about being middle aged.  I think about death.  I get on the carousel and I can't get off. The weight of it all pushes me down and makes me feel helpless. 

My first husband was an alcoholic and I spent a lot of time in counseling at rehab centers.  AA has lots of slogans that those of us who aren't 12 steppers make fun of sometimes, but the truth is, they are wise.  Let Go and Let God, One Day at a Time, Stop the Stinkin' Thinkin'.  The Serenity Prayer is so simple, yet so powerfully true  "Give me the strength to change the things I can, accept the things I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference".  Why is it so hard to let go of things.  Is it a lack of faith?  Is it just a controlling nature (Lord knows I like to be in control)? 

So, my goal for today is to try and live in the moment.  Really be aware what I am doing and where my head is.  I am going to try to push away the negative and overwhelming thoughts that creep in and try to concentrate on the positives of the moment.  Like now for instance.  There is a blazing fire in the fireplace warming my feet, a delicious cup of coffee to enjoy, bright sunlight streaming though the window and a bird chirping in the distance.  It is a good moment and I am thankful for it. 

Saturday, February 4, 2012

The New Blog

The first time I saw this picture I laughed out loud.  I love the somewhat crazed look in her eyes.  Yes, screaming and cursing certainly is cathartic and I have used those methods many times in the past.  I discovered last year, however that for me, writing is amazing therapy.  Of course, that is no big secret.  Therapists encourage us to keep journals of all types, sleep logs, diet logs, dream journals, personal diaries.  We have been encouraged to write down our feelings for as long as we have had the knowledge of writing.  Last year when my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, blogging about my experience was key in helping me through it.  That blog also made me realize that writing is important to me.  It always has been.  Even as far back as high school composition class, I've been encouraged to write.  Mrs. Durbin was always pushing me to write more stories, explore a talent I might have. 

As an adult, I've harbored the dream of writing a book, like so many of us have.  I doubt I ever will, but the technology of the Internet has created blogging and I think it is great.  I follow a lot of blogs, many from well known personalities and more from friends or friends of friends. Blogging gives us a public forum to express ourselves, something I believe a good many of us need. Is it a bit egotistical to think anyone cares what I may have to say?  Yes, I think it is and I don't normally think I let ego chart my course.  I am going to plow ahead with this thing, regardless.  I have no theme in mind, no true direction, just my middle aged, peri-menopausal ramblings on life.  So here we go and I have to admit, I'm excited about having a place to just babble on.