Sunday, April 1, 2012

Falling In Love

I'm on a quest to love myself more, treat myself better and discover my self worth again.  It isn't just about building better self esteem, it is truly about learning to love myself.  I want to look myself in the eyes in the mirror and say "I love you" and really mean it.  I know this is a struggle for many of us, maybe even most of us.  Now, let me clarify a bit.  I do not suffer from self loathing.  I have a fair amount of self confidence.  This is really about treating myself as well as I treat the people in my life that I love.  I feed myself a lot of negativity.  I'm constantly telling myself that I am not smart enough, especially in my work environment. Often I stoop so low that I bully myself.  Seriously bully myself with comments like "you're a fat cow", "you are so fucking ugly", "you're an idiot".  I would never in a million years have these kind of thoughts or say these hurtful words to a friend.  Actually, quite the opposite.  I love and value every single friend I am blessed to have in my life.  I am often cheering a friend along with postive and sincere messages of their value.  I chide them if they are saying negative things about themselves.  I try to affirm their value, their beauty, their worth every opportunity that I can.  I have a rule to compliment at least one person every day of my life.  Sincerely compliment someone. Sometimes that small thing can make someones day. I honestly can't remember the last time I gave myself a compliment. 

My struggle goes deeper than just about physical appearance, although that certainly is a part of it.  Women have been bombarded for decades with media that tells us how we should be.  Advertising and images have told us we can't have a wrinkle, carry a few extra pounds, show a grey hair or two.  Our teeth have to be blazing white, our lips full and pouty, our demeanor sexy and energized.  It is exhausting trying to live up to the standard that our commercial society has created for us.  I've certainly bought into it.  I have a bathroom full of creams and potions and paints to help me look as young and pretty as I possibly can at 52 years old.  Being a middle aged woman is tough.  You become invisible.  It is hard to accept that you are probably not going to walk into a room and turn heads any longer.  Loving yourself through this transition is difficult but so important.  I'm trying harder.

I recently was killing time on a good friends facebook page checking out her fabulous pictures and stuff.  I noticed on her profile that under the heading "About You" she had simply written "nothing exciting".  That broke my heart a bit.  This woman is smart, beautiful, kind and loving.  She is fun, adventerous and a great friend to those she loves.  The fact that she doesn't see any of these things about herself is exactly what I am talking about. 

Anyway, for today I am going to do my best to look at myself in a gentler light.  I am going to try and focus on enjoying my own company as I would enjoying the company of a best friend.  I am going to tell myself "I love you" and maybe even touch my face lovingly as I do it.  Corny, maybe, but would I do that same gesture to a loved one?  Of course I would.  Do it for yourself today, too.  Just concentrate on today.  Tomorrow, try again. 

Hey Katona.....I love you, girl!

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